A Humble Suggestion

It has come to my attention that the United States faces a severe problem, which has plagued politicians and nativists alike since the foundation of this nation. America is the land of opportunity, where freedom reigns supreme and all men are created equal. We, as patriotic citizens, have fought for this country countless times to ensure its survival and support the spread of its ideal (and by “we,” I mean our ancestors and our neighbors in the armed forces). Unfortunately, some people are of the mind that such freedom should be freely given to all the oppressed, regardless of the logistics and facts of reality. Such persons, eager to jump on the bandwagon and attain their free share of freedom, which we have long toiled for, are likely at this very moment successfully breaching our border, especially in the South. I speak, my friends and fellow Americans, of the issue of Mexican immigration.

There is nothing wrong with the Mexicans. Allow me to explain that my motives for addressing this problem are not connected in any way to prejudice and ill will against our Spanish-speaking vecinos. My only issue is one of detached calculations. The unchecked flow of immigrants into America has taken and will continue to take an immense toll on all aspects of our life. Mexicans currently enter illegally into the nation across the southern border, usually fleeing miserable or hopeless conditions at home, trying to make a living and reach that dream of a stable, comfortable life. Cubans also enter the country via rafts, fleeing similar conditions and a perhaps less-than-respectable leader. These people will come seeking jobs, and being illegal, will have to be paid under the table. This will result in countless jobs going to non-Americans, which will raise unemployment throughout the country. The possibility for abuse and mistreatment runs high, as no Mexican will be able to go and report such an injustice without being deported. Furthermore, there have been efforts to help these immigrants apply legally for citizenship, granting them access to Social Security and healthcare benefits. Some even toy with the thought of legalizing all of them at once, seeing no way to halt the inward flow from Mexico. Such events would place an enormous strain on the economy, already in poor shape and watching with fear as the baby-boomer generation ages. And there are the regular daily questions to answer, as well. Where will they live? How will they live? How will we understand what they are saying? The inherent lack of knowledge of the American language and culture may lead these poor, huddled, teeming masses to take up several lesser positions, such as taxi driving and fast-food window operators. The language barrier will prove an obstacle to everyday life for many, especially since Spanish classes are being replaced by French and Chinese in several higher educational facilities. Soon our country will break under the financial and cultural stress, and democracy itself will be in peril. I hate to say it, but there just isn’t enough freedom to go around.

Therefore, I would like to put forth my own humble suggestion in solution to this impending crisis in the South. I suggest that we follow the lead of one of our greatest presidents, Ronald Reagan, who had previously proposed a similar idea while awaiting the green light for a radio broadcast. During the Cold War, Reagan had been endlessly seeking a way to put an end to the Evil Empire of Communism, and was overheard to have uttered a groundbreaking proposal minutes before a national address. Reagan’s plan to completely outlaw Russia never got off the ground, but perhaps this idea still holds some final hope for today’s issue. I propose that we pass legislation that completely outlaws Mexico, and utilize our immense nuclear arsenal to wipe the Hispanics off the map entirely.

When one considers it, the potential benefits to this course of action are numerous and appealing. First, it will solve the central issue of Mexican immigration. Any Mexicans caught in the future will be immediately disposed of, saving us the price of gasoline to return them and the food and lodging necessary to take care of them until they are carted back to their native soil. This will free up the previous under-the-table positions held, allowing more jobs to be taken by American citizens rather than illegal immigrants. This will also eliminate the danger of economic stress from legalized Mexicans of both the naturalization process and the legislative process. Several knowledgeable persons have declared that immigrants often take the positions that Americans refuse to take. If this is so, then perhaps the American youths who will take such occupations will have improved attitude and insight that only menial labor can adjust, restraining the slothful and humbling the haughty. Employment will rise, and big businesses will be deprived of their secret pay plans, now forced to pay minimum wages and properly care for their employees. And there are more international bonuses as well. First, the Mexican-American border will now be sealed airtight. Walls and fences cannot perform as efficiently as a lake of radioactive sludge can. This will end the endless Congressional stalemate over the problem, perhaps bringing both sides closer to unity with one less divisive issue to argue over. Additionally, it will eliminate the threat of terrorist infiltration across the borders. Though terrorists can easily get into the US with fake passports or with the help of allies, when the airports and docks clam shut with improved security measures, there may be no better alternative than a leaky border than even a Mexican teen can cross. The bombing of Mexico will remind other nations that we do in fact have a nuclear arsenal and are not afraid to use it against anyone, which will entice other nations with whom we have rocky relations to “not mess with Texas,” as it were. The bombing will prove an effective way to reduce our nuclear arsenal, perhaps as a gesture of friendliness and good will, increasing our ability to call for limitations on nuclear power and reduction in atomic weaponry across the globe. Or, if the United Nations agrees, all nations can demonstrate their desire for world peace by simultaneously launching most of their nuclear stockpiles at Mexico along with us. This mutual assured destruction of nuclear arms will help banish the grim specter of a nuclear Armageddon, and should ease tensions between nations and stand as a symbol of international cooperation.

One will find that my proposal’s benefits are made all the more agreeable by the presence of faults associated with several other plans. Though this plan has perhaps one great fault, and that is the unfortunate waste of so many cheap laborers, it more than makes up for it in global unity and economic stability. And after all, we can always find other sources of cheap labor in other nations; businesses such as Wal-Mart have already established facilities overseas abundant with willing workers. And the culture of Mexico will be perfectly preserved by countless establishments even here in America, in museums and Taco Bells in countless scenic locations. Yet what faults do other notions have? Plans for a border fence, or heaven forbid, a border wall, are outrageously expensive. The cost of border-building, especially when building a solid and impassable border, are astronomical, and the cost for labor would be appalling. The only way to feasibly pay for the labors would involve less-than-respectable practices, and such cruelty to the Mexicans is unnecessary and unjust. Our current method of tracking down illegal immigrants has provided little tangible results, and the personnel necessary for continual effective monitoring of the nation is also costly. And neither of these solutions address the continued legal migration from Mexico. The root of the problem lies in America’s reputation as a land of freedom and opportunity, and also the apparent lacking of livelihood in nations south of the border. One might think that calling upon Mexico to take care of its borders better could produce results; if they cannot even take care of their own, how could they take care of their own border? International agreement to improve Mexico, so that Mexicans are not compelled to flee their homeland, is a pleasant but unrealistic thought. Rarely will an international effort actually benefit an entire people, and cooperation frequently dissolves as soon as difficulties arise. Besides, I am sure that my suggestion will hardly be met with must international outcry. If Europe cares not about genocide in Africa, what reason have they to be concerned about Mexico? And the concept of a simple missile launch for world peace is much easier to agree on than combined, prolonged international aid. It’s more of a fireworks warty than a sleepover.

I am willing to hear further suggestions towards the solution of this issue, but am confident that this proposal is the most appealing and best remaining option. Personally, I shall miss Mexico, but I am willing to make a sacrifice in order to keep my nation and future Social Security payments as sound and secure as possible. I do hope that all persons interested in progress consider carefully my argument and perhaps make some united movement to a prosperous and memorable conclusion to this issue.


(notice: This is a satire. Do not comment thinking that this is a serious proposal. You have been warned.)